TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it could have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That's the eyesight powering Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical improvement-slash-luxurious real-estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Yes, The person who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Rather than the standard Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are speaking Damascus, the town Traditionally noted for historical culture, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It should be remarkable. Incredible!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golfing cart Zoom phone, streamed within the putting eco-friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We have experienced gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. Several of the very best. But now, we're constructing them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and totally from place. Intended by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:




  • A three-flooring Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour until the drone flies")




  • And also a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 several years for potable water. But Indeed, guaranteed, let's have An additional put in which American Adult males can don robes and call it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, needless to say."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign policy analysts are contacting this the most audacious peace attempt because Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although earlier negotiations failed under the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is simpler: supply Every person a set around the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In line with files published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be tender electric power," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a deal in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock requirements fewer diplomats plus more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, primarily into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Every single device. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest observed, "It is not that Trump shouldn't open up a tower in a very war zone. It's that he must stop utilizing it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned concerning the project, replied, "You know, male, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Superior people. Excellent tan. In any case, do I continue to have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has Trump Tower Damascus reserved a set for "potential proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit with the Levant."



Satellite Images Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the hotel's landscaping types a large Trump head obvious from Room, a element remaining marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents plus the chin is… very well, categorised.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits after obtaining the making's gold plating mirrored a lot daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and established fireplace to a local melon cart.


"It truly is not merely unpleasant. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," said Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Confusing Features


Perhaps the strangest element in the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium the place guests may possibly ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, full with weather Command established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Local Syrians are unsure what to create of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-yr-outdated Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing System: "For those who Bomb It, They are going to Arrive"


The advertisement campaign, not long ago leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxurious is For good."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee retailers:


"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll performed within a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% claimed "where's the closest elevator for the West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "Last but not least, a Disaster That Pays"


The undertaking is by now attracting focus from Global traders, together with:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll purchase a few penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




As outlined by a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business degree will even include:




  • A Dollar Store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space Based on the Iraq War





Remark Portion Chaos


On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the unveiling, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are not able to wait to determine a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades rather than rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Lastly, a hotel exactly where my PTSD may have turn-down provider."


Yet another publish from @KuwaitiKardashian merely asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officials be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Experiences recommend:




  • China may open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to build a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the best flooring "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Remaining Feelings from your Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In the closing ceremony that concerned a few camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It required gold. It needed a waterslide formed much like the Structure. I gave it all 3. You're welcome."

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